i need the princess treatment ASAP!!!!!!!
oh also today i finally did all my workshopping stuff on time :) well not All of it but most of it. its still an accomplishment compared to how i was handling it before
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i think the migraine was because i was getting sick.. or it could be unrelated, i dont know. the bottom line is that i got pretty sick. im glad that it only lasted ~a week, because last year my immune system was really weak and i would keep getting sick for month-long periods. everything seems to be in working order now, though! my friends all got sick with whatever's been going around and it took them out for a *while*. for the first time in forever im actually recovering faster than other people, hehe
ive been wanting to do vlogs on my laptop for a good month or so, but theres always been some reason i end up putting it off (my hair looks bad, im not pretty enough, etc.) but i think maybe today is the day! at least im hoping. theres this pool of neediness in my thoracic cavity which secretely craves attention and appraisal beneath my socially anxious demeanor, and today it is particularly desperate to be filled, so that might carry on until the evening when i can actually record the vid. im not linking it here though because why would i put my face to this website lololol. dont go searching for it either!! it will probably not be worth it, though i will be a little flattered ;p
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ive had such terrible motivation lately. i didnt do any homework last night because i got a splitting migraine and was too hungry & nauseous to focus/wake up on time. and today i felt really bad for most of it and didnt even start on my late work until an hour ago. last semester it didnt cause me to fail any classes but im worried it might for this one. im going to call some psychs again tomorrow morning and hope they take my insurance or dont turn me down. the last time i was on prozac i became really hyper and talkative for some reason, maybe that will be a good thing now?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i left my laptop off overnight and it magically fixed itself. i have absolutely no idea how this happened.
maybe a thinkpad would be nice
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
about two weeks ago, my laptops internet driver magically stopped working. after a lot of trial and error with no results, it randomly started working again the next day, and since i cant afford a repair at the moment i just let it be. now guess what- ITS BROKEN AGAIN!!!!!
im hoping it resolves itself like last time but oh my god why is this thing such a piece of shit. i got it 3 years ago and the panel has dented, ive had to replace the battery, the track pad randomly seizes up, and now the internet card cant decide if it wants to work. at this point i know i should just get a new one, in fact i used to be saving up for that. i think i just kind of forgot about it when it didnt run into any problems after the battery incident. there are more pressing things to save my money for right now, though. theoretically id still be able to do schoolwork without a laptop anyway. but ugh, it never stops.
oh also if youre wondering how im writing this: i have a desktop computer too. ive had it for like 5 years and its never had any problems. go figure!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yeah i was being a little pretentious in the last entry. sorry. i still have the feelings of needing my works to be worthwhile, though with a head not fueled by desperate self-belittlement, i can confidently describe my goals as just capturing emotional experiences and evoking them in the reader. this is so stupid to write because its literally the mindset ive had for basically all my time taking writing seriously. if youre trying to capture my ethos for some reason, that is definitely it: i want to express my emotions. what a revelation!
alongside that, i was right when i said i think its important to put my stuff out there, at least on the internet. but i havent reconciled my conscience with it as much as i have my writing motivations. keeping what little i have public *public* is a near-constant challenge which i conquer via ignoring everything and blotting it out of memory. though i guess thats a little disingenous. i do take pride in what i create, even though it shifts with my mood. sharing it is a whole nother story. this probably went unnoticed, but i had a moment where i deleted the writings page. i put it up again a week or so later out of embarrassment for not committing to it. as far as the content goes, i think prioritizing works i havent shown anyone before is a good way forward. itll make the apprehension of it all much easier to cut through. it will also mean i can put more things on there, which means more to sift through, which means the best ones will be highlighted more sitting next to everything else. yay plan!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
happy new year!! i hope everyone has a better time than the last one.
to start, im finally back at college! its very very cold here, like consistently in the negative double digits with wind chill. not very fun having to go to class, but its not like ive been super on top of my classes anyways. ive already missed two of this poetry class because of how much it makes me panic. i couldnt even schedule for new psychiatrists today because they all closed by the time i got out of bed and worked up the gusto to make phone calls! life sucks right now, and so does the world, but at least i have little things i can put my focus on and hold on to. also i swear i will write a review for a book soon (maybe this weekend?). convenience store woman was a short enough read that i dont have to spend an entire evening going through my annotations. anyway ill tune in again soon and hopefully have more things to present ^_^
also, im not normally one to apologize for my writing, but i think housefly and perennating need some revision. the peers (fellow students & my professors) ive had look at them said they enjoyed the works. still, i feel like they dont offer much depth past the two or so readthroughs. they work nicely within a given form or they evoke strong feelings of tension and anxiety, and then once its done they are forgotten like most things. i cant see anyone genuinely returning to it, is the point. maybe my scope is all distorted. im still an undergrad and i doubt anyone is going to write home about these shitty manifestations of stunted angst. regardless, i feel like its an important step to have my writing, at least the ones i think are best, *somewhere* out there. better than keeping it all to myself due to some misguided inferiority..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wow its been a good while since my last diary post. to be honest i basically went into a haze for most of this semester; it was extremely rough, and i am more glad that its over than i am that i passed everything. i know last time i aimed to publish the reviews section and i totally failed on that. excuses aside, i think the time away from school will help me compile my thoughts on everything ive read over the past few months. i could try to stretch back farther than that, but i have a poor selective memory and i would need to re-read a lot if i want my review. regardless, the books i read cover-to-cover recently do not number many, so writing novel commentary (hee hee) on everything probably wont take too long
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
rest in peace to all the victims of the war on terror.
in recent news, school has been kicking my ASS!!! but ive gotten back in the swing of things, i think. ive written some flash fiction stuff that i might share over on the writings page, but id feel more comfortable revising them again before putting it on the internet
alongside writing, ive been reading more (mostly for classes) and some of the books have actually been pretty enjoyable! a page for reviews has been in my mind for a bit, so once ive gotten over this hurdle with school i will get one made. i would also need to organize my thoughts on literature enough to even put a real review to paper, which will take a bit- i admittedly struggle with differentiating the worthwhile themes and patterns i pick up on with stupid dumb generic analysis. although this is my website and my thoughts are always worthwhile here, i still want to add something of value and not just tread water when it comes to reviewing these things! though i might just be preemptively setting the bar too high. idk, we will see :33
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
im officially back at uni! it feels nice to put my nose to the grindstone once again (and to also get out of that shitty house lol). for the past few weeks ive been OBSESSING over this minecraft pokemon mod called cobblemon. its been a fluctuating obsession every since december or so, but with the 1.5 update my passion for it has been reinvigorated like its nobodys business. here are some screenshots of the town ive been working on:
this is my house!! it isnt breathtaking or anything, but i built it as i went along, so it is special in that way ^_^. i might make a huge detailed mansion later, but i quite like this one for its simplicity. i want to put potted plants in the window sills, but im currently saving my clay for another build!
stepping inside you are greeted with my kitchen. the cobblestone walls are a little drab, but i think the windows and furniture help to spice it up. i took another angle of it with my BEST FRIEND, COCONUT!!!! he is my favorite and i love him so much. i even walk around irl with him attached to my satchel, so i carry him wherever i go!
also, that door in the first picture leads to a little fenced garden. the stairs by the railing lead to the basement, where i have a fireplace and some furnaces. i didnt think them that noteworthy, so i didnt take any pictures ;pp
up next is the upstairs area. this mainly features an open-space bedroom with a desk, a pc, and a grandfather clock with a built-in warddrobe. i want to add a bookcase and some display shelves, but im still working on getting the materials. just outside is the porch, which gives me a beautiful view of the lake! i like to take coconut swimming there, the water is so relaxing ♥
thats about it for my house! i want to show off one other thing though, that being the illustrious pokemon center (and the pretty basic arena outside)!! heres an outside view of it. i still need to work on the roof a bit, but the broad strokes of it are complete. on the inside you can see the extremely barebones decor. still, it has what every good pokemon center needs: a pc to withdraw and deposit pokemon; a healing machine to heal your buddies; a lounge area to wait and hang out. although there isnt much to see on the inside, the windows offer a pretty good view of the arena outside!
those are the big features of my cobblemon town so far! ill update intermittently as more things are built. next on the list (at least for me, im not entirely sure what my friends want to build aside from their houses) is a cafe opposite the pokemon center. the views from inside will be fantastic...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ive been coming to the sad realization that maybe the homestuck community at large isnt that great. ive known this for some time, and ive always felt a disconnect from most people in it, but lately that familiar apprehension has been creeping up on me more and more when i try to get involved in the wider fanbase. i cant ignore it anymore, i want to be more involved but everytime i just get subsumed by negative emotions and experiences.
maybe i just cant handle seeing people who annoy me? maybe its mostly their fault for not being normal about women? maybe ive just grown up, i dont know. its definitely not mature of me to get so offended over twitter or the general behavior of fans. but in homestuck lies a particular kind of behavior which proliferates fandom in general: that sort of "there are no experiences outside of mine" attitude which, combined with an entrenchment in places like twitter or instagram, leads people down an unkind and somewhat vapid path. it sucks seeing people be pricks and get away with it!!!
im probably just being overly-judgemental; im sure ill come to terms with it eventually, as most people do. one theory i have is that ive received a "wake-up call" of sorts from not existing solely in the internet anymore, and the visceral reactions i have are a byproduct of this sudden awareness. adding how i already feel like an outsider in most spaces and have a persistent desire to examine *why* i feel like one makes for a fatal combination. homestuck is just important to me, and its hard to exist in spaces where i feel unwelcome by the sole measure of my existence. ok enough self-obsessed poetic bs. i should read more msfpas and get active there, they seem pretty nice from what ive seen!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i finished higurashi chapter 1: onikakushi. its 22 years old and common sense would tell anyone that its officially out of the "watch for spoilers" area, but i will spoil my thoughts anyway since i know id hate it if i unpromptedly had major events revealed, even if its only the first chapter. you can highlight the block of text below if you want to read my thoughts on the ending
the ending was really fucking intense; i was hooked the entire time! the twists and sudden changes, plus the writing style, wonderfully contribute to the overwhelming paranoia keiichi feels. the repeated mentions of "other selves", like the "other" keiichi that kills rena and mion or how they are described as possessed by something, makes me think that there is some sort of thematic separation of body and mind/spirit. keiichi's ability to mentally block out his murder of his friends shows that kind of psychological break as possible. it could be the same thing for the girls and how they switch from normal to homicidal- its all an act of protection. keiichi protects himself from trauma, rena and mion might be protecting themselves from a larger town conspiracys wrath (combined with rena's belief in oyashiro-sama). i wonder how much of it is in keiichi's mind too, though it might be pretty cheap to write everything off as simply imagined. my current theory is that theres a town cult in hinamizawa which started to protect the town from the dam but morphed into trying to control the town and protect it from outsiders period. the cult reenacts the curse, their actual belief in it notwithstanding, to scare townsfolk into submission and implicate everyone in it. the presence of a "director" and the regular people chasing down keiichi definitely point towards a conspiracy encompassing all of hinamizawa- though honestly, i thought rena and mion were speaking "past the screen" in a sense when they were talking about the director, i.e. the author or the player. that sort of 4th wall breaking could clue into why higurashi continues past this prologue, despite three central characters being dead. the events of onikakushi could be a "bad end" of sorts, with supernatural timeline bs taking place to rectify keiichi's demise. theres no way to know for sure until i read more, of course
anyway, im very excited to get into watanagashi!! though i hear it gets bogged down by lore dumps. i am keeping an open mind regardless!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yeah the game is definitely disavowing that. i got one of the more straightforward endings at least imo, and i think happiness is plainly unattainable. there might be other routes to discover, but if the game is just "stop this girl getting worse or dont" then i doubt there will be any no-strings-attached happy ending. i will try to get all of them!!!
she was happy for a little bit, though! maybe it was fleeting and unfulfilling but it was nice while it lasted. becoming a vtuber and grifting on something could be an avenue similar to ame's. fuck hololive though, id never associate with them. though i doubt id even have to consider that if i entered the virtual tubing business. regardless, their fans are fun to laugh at
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i picked up "NEEDY STREAMER OVERLOAD", which is sometimes referred to as "NEEDY GIRL" instead, but the former is its official listing, so. im calling it that lol. its a lot of fun, though sadly very relatable. i see myself a lot in ame..
i was about to make a twitter acc again to clamor at cheap boosts to my self-esteem, but i think the game is supposed to be disavowing that?? twit was extremely bad for me mentally, but maybe its a risk reward sort of thing. you swim in the shark-infested waters and maybe come out with a chest of treasure?
whatever, it matters little. unlike ame, im not nearly cute enough to garner much attention aside from the desperate. i can barely handle the obsessiveness of people in real life anyway o_o
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hello virtual diary! this is my first entry here. its pretty nice to have a space online to store the happenings in my life. i think i prefer analog methods, but the ease of access and surrounding imagery on this page is pretty neat
as for something i am doing, im currently playing through higurashi! im only on chapter 4 of the first game (confusingly titled chapter 1 on steam, i genuinely have no idea what the deal is with it and im afraid of spoiling myself by researching it), but im very intrigued and excited to see where the story goes! i *do* know that it picks up in the next few chapters, so im anticipating lots of big events